If you’re interested, below is a rather long explanation of why, and indeed why I might seem bi-polar in general..
Do be advised however, if you have a heart it will be somewhat depressing…
When I was about 8 the first horror movie I ever saw was Dracula (1979).
It gave me recurring nightmares, every single night for about 3 years.
During those 3 years I had seen my second horror movie, An American Werewolf In London. I was still horrified but this time also intrigued as the movie was also humorous.
When I was 10 I saw The Lost Boys at a friend’s house and horror no longer meant fear for me. I was uncontrollably and thereafter ever fascinated and drawn to the darker side of film and visual media in general.
I have kept this fascination and am now a 33 year old man, and forever interested by notions of good and/vs evil; spellbound by dark imagery and darkly tinged music; and can find something good and/or fun in even the worst of horror films.
When I was 19 I fell in love with Simone, and my life was changed forever.
She was the most beautiful, caring, gentle and amazing person I’d ever met. Not to mention talented! Mona played guitar very well, but what was really brilliant was her voice. She sang like an angel, and when she sang noone made a sound but just listened, except maybe to sing along if she’d asked for back-up.
Now, just for the record, she and I were never a couple. We had a brief period of “unofficial” companionship, about 2 months (maybe 3 if you count the on-and-off moments) where we were intimate together, passionate together, and together often; sharing things in private that noone knows and will never know.
While brief, it was definitely love; at least it was for me. I did tell her from time to time, always fairly sure she understood but never felt quite the same. For what it was worth I never said it just to hear it back. I simply thought she should know that at least one person felt she was their reason to breathe.
I wish we could all feel like that more often.
Sometime in 2000 or 2001 (this is something I just can’t seem to remember) Simone was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The usual was done to try and take care of it, chemo and all the rest; anything that might work, and for a time it did. She went into remission and everyone rejoiced!
Mone wasn’t able to have children after that but that just wasn’t important as long as we still had her. I especially just lost my will to have children because she was the only person I would have even considered it with, and if I couldn’t have children with the woman I loved I simply wouldn’t have children… Being with her was all I ever needed and all I ever wanted. Even if we had adopted that would have been perfect just because she’d be their mother, my partner, my everything.
The years went by one by one. There were difficult times but there were always good times too… but somewhere in those years (again, the dates escape me) the cancer had came back in her stomach, and seemingly with a vengeance. Mone fought hard for 8 long years. Sometimes we thought she was winning the fight, but no matter what we always stayed positive!
On October 30th 2009, Simone passed away and my life was changed again.
The morning of the 31st I received the call while I was at work… I fell to my knees in the hallway, held the phone to my heart and didn’t move until someone finally inquired as to what was wrong… but I couldn’t cry. I stood up, breathed deeply and went on with my work day, not speaking to anyone.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to cry but the tears just wouldn’t come. I still want to, in fact I wish it with all my might whenever I see a shooting star or whatever; silly I know, but because I want so badly to feel it; to properly mourn her and move on from her… to feel normal. But I just think there must be some part of me that wants to be strong like she was. The most I feel, even to this day, is numb. Something is broken inside of me when it comes to this particular situation, even since when I’ve lost other friends and family.
However, I don’t let it rule me. Sometimes now I can actually go a full day without thinking about her. And when she does cross my mind now it’s most often a fun/sweet/happy memory, and always makes me smile, because in my mind I can see hers. Also, I can take small comfort in knowing that she knew how I truly felt about her by the last words she ever heard from me, when she was home from hospital for the very last time:
Dearest Simone, You are never too far from my mind. A more beautiful soul, generous heart and fighting spirit I have never known. There are pieces of my heart that were simply always yours, and I will love you forever. xo
In 2010 I had some of the darkest days of my life. Those words still ring true even now, and I still have my moments of sadness. I don’t think they’ll ever go away, and in a way I surely hope they don’t as they remind me how honest and true my love was.. But I do need and want to move on with my life… And I’m trying :)
So now in 2011 I focus on the fun parts of Halloween, on the costumes, parties, drinks, laughs and friends… That last one being the most important and helpful part. Some of you are reading this even now and I thank you for being amazing; keeping a smile on my face and a solid beating in my heart ♥
But yeah, if you ever wonder “What’s his deal?” that’s pretty much the shape of it. Two of the most defining moments in my life, come together on the one day every year, which in a way makes me exactly who I am… whoever that is ^_^
Wanna see some pics of Mone and me?
Those were the best years, before you went away
And I remember the first kiss like it was yesterday
I saw the wreckage and my world was torn apart
Your love rained down on me like a bullet through my heart